I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
