Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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