Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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