whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
