as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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