someone threw a dead crab at me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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