ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
