The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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