Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
