Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
