Where is the hickey?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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