weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
