I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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