TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
