i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
