I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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