if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
