Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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