So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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