Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
