There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize