I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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