I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
