i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
