I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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