I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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