i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I can't put those talents on a resume
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
