You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
