im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
