i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
