you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
