my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
