Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
