It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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