today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
