just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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