dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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