From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
