i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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