all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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