Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
