I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
