I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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