he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
