I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
