I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
