I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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