I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
