My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
