It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
