If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
