Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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