oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
so much tequila, so little girl.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
