so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
