I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
