Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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